INDEPENDENCE

Independence

It’s independence day today, the Fourth of July, which brings to mind the issue of personal independence.  Divorce is often triggered by a spouse yearning for independence from an overbearing spouse.  One reason why most parties to divorce end up happier after the divorce is a newly found sense of independence. The party who knew nothing of the family finances, learns to manage his or her own finances, pay their own bills and make their own decisions about their life within a budget.   Although separation / divorce is often associated with a support arrangement, which suggests financial dependence, they manage their finances themselves and work towards an end of the financial support.  Even if finances are tight, they learn from mistakes and grow.   As Calvin Coolidge said:

There is no dignity quite so impressive, and no one independence quite so important, 
as living within your means. 

In a significant way personal independence represents personal freedom – liberty from the constraints imposed on one’s life by the will and demands of another.

Yet, can we be truly independent?  Isn’t personal independence an illusion?  We all need others to meet our social, emotional, physical and financial needs.  No man, no woman is an island.   Ultimately, after the first flush of relief to be independent of the other, divorcing parties recognize they do depend on others.  If they have children, they still depend on the former spouse for collaborative parenting.

In stable and healthy marriages the spouses are interdependent and comfortable with their interdependence.  Their goals – the family’s goals – are shared and the partners work jointly, each contributing as well as they can to achieve these shared goals.  What underlines that is respect and appreciation for each other’s contribution and clarity about their respective roles in the family.   At the same time such partners try to support each other’s separate aspirations. 

Independence of mind within a healthy interdependence is the way to go.